I’d come up with an episode for Seinfeld when I was in high school (which may or may not have been a little over twenty years ago). I vaguely remembered the plot I’d formulated but thought, for the most part, my youthful stint at comedic screen-writing was lost to posterity.
Then during some deep de-cluttering that has been going on in my house for years now (I’ve become a minimalist, have I mentioned that?) I came across a little spiral notebook and on it’s blue pages the handwritten first draft of my Seinfeld script! I couldn’t believe it. So I sat down and read it and am happy to report, it was pretty darn delightful.
Don’t get me wrong, it is very much a first draft and it was written by a 17-year-old so it could certainly use much re-writing and polishing but still… I’m kind of proud of young me.
Aside from omitting about a half a million commas (apparently I paused in my speech after every word back then) and corrections for clarity, I’ve typed up the script as it was handwritten out and have made no changes to it. I wanted to present it in its unmolested form.
Bear in mind, too, that the ending seems pretty anti-climatic because it would have been all physical comedy. Had my script been made into a show, the end would have been hilarious.
Elaine: Have you seen the ad for that new shampoo that’s supposed to bring your hair to life?
Jerry: The one with the girl that has dull, lifeless hair, uses the shampoo then has gorgeous, curly hair as a result?
Elaine: Yeah, that’s the stuff. Do you think it really works?
Jerry: There was no disclaimer at the bottom of the screen. It must work.
Elaine: I have got to try it.
(Elaine picks up bag and starts to depart when Kramer makes usual entrance into apartment)
Kramer: Why do we have armpit hair?
(Elaine and Jerry give him an odd look.)
Jerry: Because it looks nice?
Kramer: I’m being serious Jerry. I’ve stayed up all night trying to figure it out. It’s not like other hair on our body. Hair is used as camoflage but with our arms down, there’s no need.
Kramer: And I don’t see how it could be used for warmth because with our arms always down, it just doesn’t get any warmer.
Kramer: It’s totally unnecessary Jerry. Elaine, do you have armpit hair?
Elaine: No, I shave it off…
Kramer: And do you lead a ful-filling life?
(claps hands together and leaves. Elaine gives Jerry a quizzical look and departs as well.)
Elaine: Doesn’t my hair look more lively?
Jerry (examining it): I’d have to say it does. It looks 100% more lively.
Elaine: I know it! I just love this shampoo! Well, I’ve gotta go. Peterman wants me to go look at this scarf he saw in some safari store.
(George runs in seconds later and sits in the booth extremely happy)
George: I have met the most incredible woman!
George: Yes. She’s funny, smart, beautiful and she loves bald guys with glasses. You know how I love those women who like bald guys with glasses.
Jerry: I know it.
George: Anyway, we got to talking and we had so much in common and our auras matched.
Jerry: Auras matched?
George: That’s what she said. I’m sure she knows what she’s talking about. Anyway, with our auras matching and all, I decided this had to be the woman for me. So I asked her to marry me. (Throws hands up) I didn’t even have sex with her!
Jerry (completely shocked): Are you sure you’re not rushing into this?
George: I’ve never been more sure in my life. Grace is the woman I was meant to be with.
George: Grace Kelly. Isn’t that cute? God, I love this woman!
(Kramer enters in a tank top)
Jerry: Isn’t it a little cold for that?
Kramer: I feel like a great burden has been lifted!
Jerry: Did you find out the use of armpit hair?
Kramer: Better. I shaved mine off and man it feels good.
George: You shaved off you armpit hair?
Kramer: Yeah. You ought to try it. It’ll make you feel like a whole new man.
George (sarcastically): I bet.
Jerry: Did you hear Kramer? George is getting married.
Kramer: Congratulations George. Who’s the lucky woman?
George: Her name is Grace Kelly.
Kramer: Grace Kelly… she’s a beautiful girl. You’re a lucky man. When’s the wedding?
Jerry: Saturday?! Isn’t that a little soon?
George: She insisted on it. She says it we’re going to be lifelong partners, we might as well get started.
(Jerry just shakes his head)
(Elaine wakes up with her hair wrapped around her neck)
(Elaine bursts in)
Elaine: Jerry! My hair is trying to kill me!
Jerry: How so?
Elaine: I woke up this morning with it wrapped around my neck like it was trying to strangle me.
Jerry: Well, it is supposed to make your hair more lively.
Elaine: But this lively?
Jerry: You’ve got to watch those shampoo commercials without disclaimers.
Elaine: What should I do?
Jerry: Cut it so it can’t reach your neck?
Elaine: This is serious Jerry.
Kramer: My shower was six seconds faster this morning without my armpit hair.
Jerry: That’s incredible!
Kramer: I know. It’s got to be a record for me!
Elaine: Kramer. What do you think I should do about my hair? It’s trying to kill me!
Kramer: Shave it. You won’t believe how free you’ll feel.
Elaine: I can’t do that.
Jerry: Just stop using the shampoo.
Elaine: But it makes my hair so gorgeous!
Jerry: Suit yourself, but when you wake up dead one morning because of your hair, don’t come crying to me.
Kramer: Jerry, can you ask George if it’s okay to bring a date to the wedding?
Elaine: What wedding?
Jerry: Oh, I forgot to tell you. George is getting married tomorrow.
Elaine (pushing Jerry): Get out!
Jerry: Yeah. To a woman name Grace Kelly. Apparently their auras match.
Elaine: Auras match?
Jerry: It’s what he said.
Kramer: She’s a beautiful woman.
In the Chapel
Elaine: I stopped using that shampoo. I think my hair had a weaker grip around my neck this morning.
Jerry: Those darn shampoos without disclaimers!
Elaine: I can’t believe George is getting married.
Jerry: Kind of weird, huh?
Kramer: Elaine, do your armpits itch ever?
Kramer: Mine are itching like crazy!
Elaine: Maybe you should stop shaving them.
Elaine: It was just a suggestion.
(George and bride walk up to alter. Officiant begins)
Kramer: That is strange.
Kramer: Your hair is curling around your neck.
Elaine: Yeah right.
Kramer: I’m serious.
(Elaine is a little unnerved, feels neck)
Elaine: My God ! It is!
(Stands up, arms flailing, ceremony stops and everyone looks on as Elaine knocks over an enormous candlestick which rips George’s bride’s dress off her body revealing that she is a man. George is shocked)