What if the urge to go out drinking is actually a misinterpreted yearning for children?

Oct 23, 2020 | Blog, Essays

Now hear me out.  Whenever a new psychological theory is introduced, it always initially sounds preposterous.  Children and drunk people seemingly appear to belong to two entirely different categories of people with which to hang out.  But after spending some time around both -each of them in different epochs of my life- I’ve observed the many similarities.

For instance, I can’t say how many times I’ve walked through my house and thought, ‘this place looks like a Frat house.’

Here are some other examples (and this list is, by no means, an exhausted cataloguing):

  1. Start dancing anywhere

2. Climb up on high things

3. Honest to a fault

4. Epic mess making abilities

5. Do not use utensils

6. Will use anything for a napkin

7. Talk through burps

8. Vomit and continue with life as if they had not just vomited

9. Wet themselves

10. Pee all over the toilet

11. Think they can drive but are in no condition to drive

12. Put various things on their heads that aren’t hats

13. Sing a lot

14. Spend a lot of time on tabletops

15. Make giant messes

16. Ask unusual questions

17. Make unusual observations

18. Notice interesting things

19. Willing to fight over very dumb things

20. Make no sense  when they talk

21. They weep over nothing

22. Either very loving and affectionate or really grumps

23. Questionable decision making skills

24. It’s unpredictable whether or not they’ll keep their clothes on

25. Brush off pain

26. Need to be restrained to keep out of trouble

27. Like to jump on to hanging light fixtures

28. Predisposed to climbing in and out of windows

29. Leave the fridge open

30. Can sleep anywhere and in any position

31. Make scenes in restaurants

32. Shoot their mouths off to people in authority

33. Try to ride any animals within the surrounding area

34. Have no concept of money

35. Have no concept of consequences

36. Take off their clothes in a trail

37. Will jump into a pool when it’s 20 degrees outside

38. Speak in gibberish

39. Think everything is funny

40. Take off running to avoid capture

41. Bathing is a weirdly low priority considering how messy they are

42. Have a fondness for Jello

43. Use a lot of point and grunt communication

44. Need to be carried from the car to their bed after a long night

As I was writing this, my five-year-old came running into the living room, tripped over her own feet and fell in such a spectacular manner that I was sure we would be hospital bound.  Before I could even get to her to assess the damage, she got up, did a cursory inspection of her person and then got distracted by a toy piano inches from the scene of the crash and started playing it as if she had not just defied every law of physics by surviving that fall without so much as a scratch.

Put an orange cone out on the table.  There are only two categories of people that will think nothing of putting it on their head.

Now that we’ve established a parallel between the drunk and the child, I think we can explore the causality for the urge to go drinking.

Generally, the impetus for a night out on the town is to have fun by both becoming less conscious of the self (through drinking) and by watching other people who have zero self consciousness (the drunks).

However, this lifestyle will eventually grow dull and listless.  What was once so much fun and entertainment will transform into boring and blasé.  At some point, your drunk friend will poo in your suitcase and you won’t want to hang out with them anymore.

A night out is but an empty facsimile of the lifestyle we were built to live.  A lifestyle written on our hearts, programmed into our DNA and born of our most primitive of instincts: reproducing.

We yearn not for drinking and drunks, but for children.

In the company of a child, we become less conscious of the self (through thinking of the child) and we get to watch other people who have zero self consciousness (kids being kids).  And hanging out with your children never gets old because theyŕe the real deal.  Children are the actual culmination of the longing that we try to satisfy with the wrong things such as bar hopping dressed as Pokemon.

Kids are the model of what we’re supposed to be.  Christ, himself, said, “Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.”  The best way to learn how to do that is to be around them.  The easiest way to be around them is to have them.

Kids are joy personified and they never get dull or boring.  They may get frustrating and maddening at times, but never dull or boring.  They’re hard not to love and you want to keep hanging out with them; even when they poo in your suitcase.

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1 Comment

  1. John Handrahan

    I ‘m glad I quit drinking before we had you…

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